A. Here are some practical suggestions for helping people with environmental sensitivities.

l. Fluorescent or mercury/halogen lights are troublesome. They cause headaches, mental confusion and general weakness. If you have the old-fashioned lights, stay with them. If you are building or renovating, choose ordinary lighting.

2. Commercial cleaning products are usually potent chemicals that cause severe reactions in those who are susceptible. Alternative cleaners, such as vinegar, baking soda and borax, not only are healthier to people and the environment but are cheaper.

3. If you have problems with mould and mildew often it is because of moisture build up, improper heating and poor building structures. Natural cleaners can help to some extent. Perhaps you will have to bring in someone to test the air quality. If you are renovating, building an extension or a new building - consider these factors.

4. Carpets are often the worst culprits for causing physical problems. A new carpet takes ten years to gas off 200 chemicals. An old carpet gathers years of dust, regardless of cleaning. Dust mites and mould are detrimental. Even little mushrooms have been found underneath carpets. Think seriously before putting down carpets. Attractiveness, comfort and easier cleaning tasks are not worth the expense of taking them up and the suffering to those who react. If you have carpets, when they wear out, consider alternative flooring.

5. Going scent-free is the most important way of helping people who are suffering from Environmental Sensitivities. Blocking off an area of the building for those people may seem a logical solution, but this means that those people are unable to mingle - they feel isolated and perhaps unaccepted. We need to appeal to every person to stop wearing scented products.

God gave us normal, healthy bodies, including our odors. Bathing can be done with scent-free soaps. We can use hypoallergenic shampoos. Even though a person cannot understand what happens to someone with these environmental sensitivity problems, one can accept that there are others who do get ill from perfumes, colognes, etcetera.

6. One of the simplest ways to clean indoor air is to open doors and windows, especially just prior to when people are to arrive. Chemicals from cleaners, perfumes, etcetera cling to the air for long periods of time. Bringing in fresh air and moving the old air out not only dilutes the potency of these chemicals but it also makes the air easier to breathe.

A. A professor shared two good ways to help the family pull together in keeping the house tidy.

1. If an object is left in a public place, it goes in a box. Once a week a family meeting is held and the offender is penalized appropriately for leaving the thing in the public area.

2. When a child refuses to keep his/her room tidy, the door stays shut. You do not enter to get dirty clothes or sheets. Eventually the child will run out of clean clothes. When it is realized that you are not going back to the old pattern of gathering up dirty clothes your child changes his/her behavior.
When you change others around you change.

Q. How can I take care of the financial responsibilities, be a good spouse and parent and have a life of my own?

A. The most obvious demand on the spouse/parent is bringing home the paycheck. We all realize that. However, the caregiver is an individual with needs, wants and dreams. Being a good spouse/parent does mean making sacrifices but it does not mean giving up everything. Ask yourself the question - "What do I want the most?" The answer determines how you change to fulfill your dream. Adjusting things to have time for yourself means rejuvenation and that means having more to give to others. Revising your expectations so you are feeling good about yourself makes all the difference in the world to you and your family.

Here are some points to consider:

- Slot a piece of time just for yourself each day. It may mean rising a little earlier or retiring a little later. Read the paper, watch a video for l5 minutes, walk the dog around the block. Make sure everyone knows of this quality time and help them respect it by telling them why you need it.

- List the jobs/errands/responsibilities in three categories: Has to be done, Can wait, and does not matter. Focus your time and energy on the first. Take into consideration others' lists as well. Fixing a toy for your child can be an act of love and enable you to have quality time with him/her. When someone else can do it, let him or her. Learn to delegate! If you can pay, pay to have it done!

- Remember, a simple gesture like a hug, an "I Love You", renting a movie for the family to watch, snuggling with a loved one while listening to music brings so much more into a family's life than fixing a leaking faucet.

A. It is important to have outside relationships, people who affirm you as a person, not as a spouse of a chronically ill person. Research studies have shown that having positive relationships, especially friendship helps ward off disease and lengthen life. Caregivers can get ill, so help yourself stay healthy. - keep your friends. Keep in mind that some people may turn out to be "fair weather friends". Good friends understand and respect/support your decision; they do not try to put you on guilt trips. You may have to change your priorities. Instead of going out four or five evenings, cut down to two or three.

Q. I feel guilty because I'm healthy, can go to work, do all the things I always did while my spouse suffers, is ill, has had to give up her/his work, interests and is more dependent. How do I deal with this guilt?

A. There are two kinds of guilt - true guilt and false guilt. If you are thinking, speaking or acting in a wrong way, it is right to experience guilt. You need to ask forgiveness, receive help in changing and really try to change! However, feeling guilty for things that you did not cause or permeate is false guilt. Communicate your feelings with your spouse. He/she will surely express the comment that although your relationship had to change because of illness, it is not your fault. You need/should enjoy life and by doing so you give more to him/her. If you are feeling burdened down with resentment, anger, guilt, you cannot enjoy life or be of any use to your spouse.

Q. I have such strong and confusing feelings such as anger, hatred, resentments. Where are they coming from?

A. Perhaps you are experiencing grief. Grief is a very real part of living with chronic illness. The sufferer is not the only one to experience grief. You have been forced (or at least you feel forced) to give up the lifestyle you were comfortable with, the expectations of the relationship, and your assigned role. Your dreams for the future have changed. It is natural to feel anger and resentment, frustration and disappointment. Recognize that it is your spouse's illness not your spouse who caused this situation. It is a common enemy you need to fight together. So recognize the stages of grief and work through them together.

Q. How can we keep our relationship alive when we cannot have the physical intimacy we had before?

A. Accepting changes in this area is probably the most difficult. There are going to be some real struggles. You know the saying, "It'll either make you or break you?" or "What doesn't kill you makes you strong?" Well, that is where it is at. It is trite to say remember that cuddling and hugs and kisses, etc. are very important. It just does not cut it when you desire the full physical experience. Yes, they are important but practically you may have to take things into your own hands so to speak. In addition, shared sexual pleasure can be experienced in other ways besides intercourse. It depends on you - communicating is very important here but is probably the most difficult thing to do. However, you and your spouse need to discuss this lifestyle change as well as all of the others. What you decide to do needs agreement on both sides. Sex can be a beautiful part of marriage but if it has been a focus of a relationship, you are in more trouble than if it is seen as one aspect of a healthy relationship.

Q. How can I be both parents to my children?

A. You do not have to be. Your spouse is not gone. You need to notice some of the responsibilities the spouse/parent had to give up. However, only a mother can give a mother's love in a mother's way, only a father can give a father's love, in a father's way. Children have expressed their joy in having the parent at home rather than in a hospital even if the parent is in bed most of the time. There is a sense of security in that parent being present.

Q. How can I ensure my spouse gets to enjoy our children?

A. It is very difficult for children to understand why a parent cannot go to the Mall, Concerts, Sports Events, anymore. Children are often more adaptable than adults. They adjust well if there is open, loving communication. They can accept the changes if told why they occur and it helps if other positive experiences replace the losses, for example, watching a video while lying on the bed or enjoying a good book or watching the pet play. Yes, it is very difficult to have to say no and explain why a parent cannot do something. Done in the right way can help your child grow up to be a responsible, compassionate and accepting adult.

Q. Do I tell my co-workers and/or boss about my illness?

A. When I was working at a local community college I did not even think to tell anyone about my illness. There were two reasons for not telling anyone. I did not know what to tell them and the illness did not interfere with my work. However, as I progressed to losing one and one half to two days a week, was making weekly trips to a doctor several miles away and giving 20-40% of myself to my students, people started to notice. I eventually talked to my immediate supervisor about the guilt I felt at giving so little. She was very kind, saying my 20 - 40% was someone else's l00%. Looking back, I realized that I should have spoken up sooner. The employer has a right to know about an employee's limitations due to illness.

Maybe changes and adjustments could have been made that would have helped me in carrying on. Maybe there were alternative ways of helping students I had not thought about. There may have been others struggling with illness that could relate. We could have supported each other. Perhaps my boss would have reminded me that I paid for sick benefits (LTD) and could apply for them. As it was I was too ill to apply, too ill to remember to apply and now it is too late to apply.

Q. How do I help my child when he has a chronic illness?

A. Children, whether healthy or chronically ill need some basic things from their parents.
Your child needs to know he is loved for who he is not for what he does or what he may become. He needs lots of reassurance as he moves ahead, cuddle not coddle him. He needs to know he can trust you, that he can come to you for love, hope encouragement, support, affection and direction that you will believe in him. He needs praise. Praise for all the positives and for how he tries to turn negatives into positives. A child needs to know the boundaries. The boundaries should stay constant. If they change daily according to your moods, the child becomes confused and distrustful. These change as he matures. As the boundaries, expand his sense of responsibility changes. He gains confidence as he realizes that he has learned valuable lessons that lead him to a new level.

Here are some important points to remember when living with a chronically ill child:

• The definition of Chronic is ...ongoing or continuous or perhaps the symptoms let up for awhile but the illness is still there. So chronic means your child is faced with challenges other youngsters are not.

• How to deal with school, work, play, peer pressure, teacher's expectations, and his illness? How does he fit in? Your child needs help here. What can you do to help?

• Talk to your child about how he feels about fitting in. Does he feel isolated or ostracized because he cannot take part in everything? Develop a positive attitude and do not let your child develop self-pity. Feeling sorry for oneself accomplishes nothing and actually makes the illness worse.

• Talk to his teacher. Explain the illness, its effects and what kind of expectations is practical. Teachers need to understand that children with chronic illness may be too tired to take part in activities, may miss a lot of school time due to illness, doctor's appointments or physiotherapy. They may have difficulty concentrating, need encouragement and need to take part in work and play within limits.

• Talk to his peers, their parents. Invite them to take part in conversation about your child's illness. Answer questions honestly, but briefly.

• Give literature to each, teacher, student, other parents to help them further understand. In other words, take time to communicate, to educate and lend support as others struggle and relate to your child.

  In some cases, there will be negative reactions. People feel threatened. If this happened to your child, it can happen to mine. Therefore, out of fear and anxiety they deny your child is ill. People will not want to take time to learn and understand but rely on old ways of dealing with things like ignoring the situation.

Q. How do I deal with my feelings about having a chronically ill child?

A. As parents of a chronically ill child, you will discover yourself: